Slutty Cheesecake Bars (from Bakers Royale)

Everybody loves watching a good action movie on the big screen. Everybody, except the two people sitting directly on either side of me, the unfortunate person in front of me whose chair gets pummeled every time a loud explosion occurs, and maybe anyone within shriek-audible range of me–which is basically everyone in the theater. I am not a dainty shrieker. I spent all of Star Trek: Into Darkness and Iron Man 3 doing weird spastic knee tucks in my seat and giving the front seat an extra-hard kick when its occupant turned around to glare at me.

(Doesn’t this photo look like an adorable mini smiling wolf? Hehe, it makes me happy to look at it.)

That being said, I love watching action films in theater. If I have one weakness, though (aside from these “slutty cheesecake bars”–yes, we’ll get to these smexy bad boys and their seductive name in just a second), it’s an action film with plenty of eye candy. Speaking of which, have you seen Chris Pine in the new Star Trek movie? Never mind the fact that my Trekkie knowledge was limited to Spock’s horrendous haircut up until the first new movie in 2009. The hysterical prepubescent middle-school fan girl in me rares up every time young Captain Kirk flashes those sultry baby blues my way.

As an added perk, he’s sweet-looking and smart. He graduated from UC Berkeley with a Bachelor’s in English in 2002.

Oh heyyy. Guess who else has an English degree from the big Blue and Gold? Shall we discuss our shared literary interests over a cup of Free Trade tea and vegan pulled pork, Chris? Yes? Yes?

Or maybe over a panful of these?

I was so excited when I first stumbled across these at Baker’s Royale. She is known for inventing some insane bar cookies, with zany names to boot (like Man Whore bars, which I still need to try–um, yes, please?) These are no exception. No, sireeee.

Bake up a soft, chewy layer of perfect chocolate chip cookies (even from a package if you’re in a hurry–I used one of my favorite chewy CCC recipes). Layer up your Oreos–16 whole, creamy chocolatey ones, then smother them in a smooth and rich cheesecake filling. Chop up some more Oreos and Whoppers and sprinkle them over the whole shebang.

Bam. Slutty bar cookies for slutty perfectly innocuous, intelligent motives to meet Chris Pine.

 

My coworkers and students thought I was insane when I brought a plate of these into the office last week. These reports can be neither confirmed nor denied. However, when I stepped back in half an hour later, these were completely gone. Completely.

These crazy-loaded treats (the only kinds I accept) make great conversation starters, apology/appeasement gifts, after-school sweet tooth snacks, and enticers of potential love interests. 

I doubt even Chris Pine could resist them–but I’ll let you know after I test this theory out.

  

Print this recipe and beam them up, Scotty!

Slutty Cheesecake Bars (from Bakers Royale)

Yield: 1 8×8-inch baking pan

Ingredients:

For chocolate chip cookie base (original recipe from My Baking Addiction)–one of the chewiest, most satisfying CCC’s you’ll ever make!

Ingredients:

• 3/4 cup butter or margarine, softened
• 1/2 cup + 2 tablespoons white sugar
• 1/2 cup + 2 tablespoons brown sugar
• 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1 egg, room temperature
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 1/2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips or chunks

Directions:

1. In a large mixing bowl, cream together softened butter and both sugars until fluffy. Beat in vanilla and egg. Mix in flour, baking soda, and salt until just incorporated. Gently fold in chocolate chips.
2. Set bowl aside and make cheesecake layer.
3. If you’d like to make these as individual cookies: Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Drop prepared cookie dough by rounded tablespoonfuls on a lightly greased cookie sheet. Bake for 11-13 minutes, until lightly golden. Remove from oven and allow to cool on hot cookie sheet for at least 3-5 minutes before removing to wire rack.

For cheesecake layer:

Ingredients:

• 12 oz. cream cheese, softened
• 1/3 cup white sugar
• 1 egg
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions:

1. Cream together softened cream cheese and sugar until light and fluffy. Add egg and vanilla; beat in until completely smooth, but be sure not to overbeat.
2. Set aside cheesecake layer as you assemble the slutty cheesecake bars.

To assemble slutty cheesecake bars:

Ingredients:

• 21 Oreos (16 whole Oreos and 5 chopped Oreos, divided)
• 5 oz. Whoppers, chopped

Directions for assembly:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease an 8×8-inch baking pan.
2. Spread cookie dough evenly across the bottom of the prepared baking pan (or drop them by rounded tablespoonfuls on a cookie sheet if making cookies). Your cookie dough layer should be about half an inch thick–if you have leftover dough, you can bake it immediately as individual cookies or simply toss it into the fridge for baking at a later time. Bake for approximately 10-12 minutes, until the dough is just cooked through and firm. Remove from oven.
3. Layer 16 whole Oreos on baked cookie crust. Pour cheesecake filling evenly over Oreos. Sprinkle 5 chopped Oreos and 5 oz. chopped Whoppers over the cheesecake.
4. Bake in preheated oven for 35-40 minutes, until cheesecake is pretty well set. Remove from oven and allow to cool completely in pan before cutting. Best served chilled from refrigerator (but make sure you store it in the fridge either way).
5. Note: If you eat these warm straight out of the pan–as I did–you might be alarmed to find that the Whoppers are almost impossibly chewy! Don’t worry; if you wait like you’re (ahem) supposed to, they will regain their crunchy texture after chilling in the fridge. 

Dreamy Raspberry Streusel Magic Bars

What are you making for your mom or the mom-like figure in your life this Sunday?

I have to admit that I am not making these. Well, maybe I did….but there is no remaining physical evidence to indicate that I did.

That’s right. I ate my mom’s Mother Day baked goods gift.

Oops. Love you, mumsy.

The frontal lobe of my twisted brain reasons that I am flying my own sweet little self back home for Mother’s Day, and that my mom will therefore have everything she needs (i.e. me). Plus, she won’t miss what she never, er, knew she was missing out on. Right?

Right? Who’s with me?

You’ll understand what I mean shortly. Skedaddle off to the kitchen and make these gooey, crunchy, cinnamony, sweet, and simple bars–I guarantee you, they won’t last you until Sunday. And if they do–well, you’re either a saint, or you’re a mother yourself and have the patience of a saint.

And if you are a mother, you should totally hoard the entire pan, because–well, it’s your day, and you can. And who ever needed a better excuse than THAT?

Happy (early) Mother’s Day to all the wonderful mothers who fill up our kitchens with warm aromas and our lives with lots of love!

Dreamy Raspberry Streusel Magic Bars

Adapted from a fantastic original recipe at Mom on Time Out

Ingredients:

• 3 cups graham cracker crumbs
• 2/3 cup white sugar
• 3/4 cup butter or margarine, melted
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 3 cups sweetened coconut, flaked
• 1 (14 oz.) can sweetened condensed milk
• 1 1/2 cups seedless raspberry preserves
• 1/3 cup semisweet chocolate (for drizzling)
• 1/3 cup white chocolate (for drizzling)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly grease 9×13-inch baking pan and set aside.
2. In a large bowl, combine graham cracker crumbs, white sugar, 3/4 cup melted butter, and 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon. Press lightly and evenly into bottom of prepared pan.
3. Sprinkle coconut over graham cracker crust, then pour sweetened condensed evenly over coconut. Bake in preheated oven for 20-25 minutes.
4. Remove pan from oven and cool completely. While waiting for bars to cool, make streusel topping (recipe to follow).
5. Spread raspberry preserves over cooled bars. Press prepared streusel lightly into the jam.
6. Place semisweet chocolate in a microwave-safe bowl and heat on high for 30 seconds. Remove and stir; return to microwave and continue heating at 20-second intervals, stirring between each, until chocolate is completely melted. Do the same for the white chocolate. Drizzle melted chocolates over the bars, then cut and serve!

For streusel topping:

• 1  cup all-purpose flour
• 3/4 cup quick-cooking oats
• 1/2 cup brown sugar
• 1/2 cup butter or margarine, melted
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 3/4 cup chopped pecans or nut of your choice (optional–if you omit them, increase oats by 1/2 cup)

Directions

1.  Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.
2. Combine all ingredients in a medium bowl. Press lightly onto a baking sheet and bake for 10 minutes, until light brown. Crumble while still hot; set aside to cool completely.
3. Press into the tops of your magic bars!

Gooey Cookie Butter Brown Sugar Bars

Cookie butter. Alternate names: Biscoff spread, Speculoos.

These bars–all of the above, plus nectar of the gods.

Did I get the magic words in there anywhere?

If you’re like me, you’ll want to grab a jar and just jam your really grown-up Minnie Mouse spoon right in–

Ohhh yeah.

If this sounds like something you have done would do, you won’t want to miss these heavenly, gooey, cinnamony cookie butter bars!

Plus, they’ll give you a really amazing excuse to spoon out mouthfuls of cookie butter while you’re waiting for the bars to finish baking. I know my jar is almost gone, and the recipe only calls for a little over half a cup…

On the other hand, if you’d like to agonize over nutritional labels and keep your body in bikini ship-shape in time for summer–skip out on these. Be my guest. Really. Because that means more, more, and more for me.

Oh, who are we kidding? These are awesome. You HAVE to try them!

If you’re really set on avoiding these, I’ll be nice. I won’t tell you about the thick, perfectly proportioned spiced graham cracker crust, and I certainly won’t tell you about the melt-in-your-mouth, warm gooey layer of cookie butter molasses-style brown sugar that you’re sure to love.

Aren’t I just the nicest?

You can probably see why having an entire trayful of these bad boys sitting on my kitchen counter can be an eensy, weensy, HUGE problem.

So check out the recipe. You DO have a jar of cookie butter sitting in your pantry, don’t you? Why, you DO? (Or if you don’t–you WILL in about 10 minutes, right?)

While I leave to Google the definition of “addiction,” why don’t you take another look at these drool-worthy bars?

And if you don’t see me back again in a while–er, don’t look in the kitchen. You might find a strange girl standing there with a Minnie Mouse spoon in one hand and an empty jar of cookie butter in the other…and that’s just awkward.

Guess you might want to check your kitchen after all. And while you’re there, why not make these FANTASTIC cookie butter addict bars?

Gooey Cookie Butter Brown Sugar Bars

Cookie butter filling adapted from Handle the Heat

Ingredients:

For graham cracker crust:

• 2 cups graham cracker crumbs (approximately 16 sheets, crushed)
• 10 tablespoons butter or margarine, melted and cooled to room temperature
• 1/3 cup white sugar
• 1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

For cookie butter brown sugar filling:

• 3 eggs
• 1 1/4 cups dark brown sugar, tightly packed
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/2 cup cookie butter spread

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly grease an 8×8-inch baking pan and set aside.
2. To make crust: Combine all crust ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Press evenly and lightly into greased baking pan. Bake in preheated oven for 8-10 minutes, until lightly golden. Set aside to cool while making filling.
3. To make filling: Combine filling ingredients until completely smooth. Pour over slightly cooled crust and bake for approximately 30 minutes, until the center has just set. Remove from oven and allow to cool, then cut into bars and cool completely on a wire rack.

Magic Cookie Butter Bars

When’s the last time you felt so happy or inspired by something that you squealed, or wanted to really, really badly?

This week has been full of those moments. This week has also been a total vortex of busybody heckishness, resulting in a sleep-deprived mental state and horribly dry left eye. It’s funny how often these two go hand in hand, isn’t it? Emotional schizophrenia can be so tiring! I’d really rather just wrestle a grizzly bear or something.

I’m sure that would be much easier than grading a bunch of papers on Call of the Wild or Winnie-the-Pooh.

 Fortunately, right when I reach the point where I’m ready to throw in the towel and stalk the forests in order to satisfy my primordial instincts of bloodlust, something good usually happens.

To give you an example: early this morning I arrived at the office to find one of the other TA’s looking completely faint. Her first ever guest lecture was in a half hour’s time, and she had spent weeks exhausting herself over preparing for it. We talked about it and agreed that it was just a matter of getting it over with, and that she’d do just fine.

She even told me how she’d been thinking about how I lead discussions, and don’t get overly worked up over whether I know every little bit of info ever written about Lewis Carroll, because I love turning those gaps into a dialogue between my students and myself.

Flour Power: “When you wake up in the morning, Pooh,” said Piglet at last, “what’s the first thing you say to yourself?”“What’s for breakfast?” said Pooh. “What do you say, Piglet?”"I say, I wonder what’s going to happen exciting today?” said Piglet.

Pooh nodded thoughtfully. “It’s the same thing,” he said.” –Winnie the Pooh, A.A. Milne

That was squeal potential moment #1. Bear hugs superseded any residual thoughts of bear wrestling that might’ve been running through my mind a moment before.

Well, kindness begets kindness. An hour later, she came back into the office with a huge grin and plenty of compliments under her belt about how well she had done.

That was squeal moment #2. Don’t you love it when you can squeal for somebody else’s happiness, despite the spiraling hole of despair underneath your own feet?

I just had squeal moment #3 as I was typing just now–my adviser told the class that he’s bringing an original replica of the teddy bears on which Winnie-the-Pooh, i.e. Edward Bear was based to class on Thursday.

If you see a tiny girl heading for the hills with a giant stuffed bear in her arms, you’ll know what happened. The 100 Acre Woods is kind of like the Hogwarts I never got into. I’m still waiting for my owl post, by the way.

Absolute magic.

Funflour Fact #8: Did you know that Winnie-the-Pooh wasn’t always the red-shirted tubby bear the world knows and loves? His original name was Edward Bear, and he made his first appearance in 1922 in a popular satirical periodical called Punch Magazine! It wasn’t until 1924 that he was officially dubbed Winnie-the-Pooh in his self-titled book by A.A. Milne.  

Kind of like these magic cookie bars.

Try these!

Magic Cookie Butter Bars

Yield: 1 9×13-inch baking pan

Ingredients:

• 1/2 cup butter or margarine, melted
• 1 1/2 cups graham cracker crumbs, crushed
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 1/3 cup white sugar
• 1 (14 oz.) can sweetened condensed milk
• 1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
• 1 cup white chocolate chips (or any other kind)
• 1 1/2 cups flaked sweetened coconut
• 1 cup chopped nuts (any variety)
• 3/4 cup cookie butter (store-bought or homemade)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. In a medium bowl, combine melted butter or margarine, graham cracker crumbs, ground cinnamon, and white sugar. Press evenly into a well-greased 9×13-inch baking pan.
2. Pour half a can of sweetened condensed milk over crust. Sprinkle with both types of chocolate chips, as well as half of the coconut flakes and nuts. Pour remaining half of sweetened condensed milk evenly over the other toppings, then top with remaining coconut flakes and nuts.
3. Drop cookie butter in small dollops over other ingredients. 
4. Bake in preheated oven for 22-25 minutes, until top is golden brown. Allow to cool before cutting into squares.